If a cow ever got the chance...

Thinking a lot today about something my friend Cyril said once. (He was expounding on someone else's theory, and I can't for the life of me remember whose...) He said that one of the (many) things wrong with Americans is this sickness paradigm that we've all bought into: the idea that we are put on earth to fix certain broken parts of our personalities, that maturity comes when you've worked out your problems, healed your own sicknesses, however you define them. That we don't see ourselves as intrinsically well.

I have been accustomed to thinking of myself as damaged goods, as someone who shouldn't offer. Someone who loved too much and at the wrong times and turned it on the wrong people. Therefore, scarred (as early as grade school, even). Problems to be worked on: social anxiety; claustrophobia; mean streak; dislike of haircuts; overweight; poorly educated; ex-depressive. It seems possible that all of this is a crock (except maybe the social anxiety, which I am not quite ready to let go of as a concept). It seems possible that I am a fine person who has good things to do in the world without having to "work on myself" first.

In college I was high one day and wrote on my bedpost in magic marker: "I CAN HEAL MYSELF." (Then I spent the rest of the semester being embarrassed whenever people came over.) It seems like a fucked-up concept now--the point, originally, was that I didn't have to wait for someone else to heal me--but I never questioned the larger assumption that I was sick, or damaged. That was a given then.

Although I suppose it's not a bad assumption for someone who thought she was Sylvia Plath, or at the very least F. Scott Fitzgerald...

No, actually it was kind of fucked up. I mean, why not--if you have the choice and are not Jeffrey Dahmer--see yourself as whole and healthy and well?

On a completely different note (and one of your problems is now whiplash): I have discovered the perfect snack. Tostitos Baked Tortilla Chips is the bread, and peanut butter is the peanut butter; one can make numerous little sandwiches! This is surprisingly good and disturbingly addictive. Although, I have been known to put peanut butter on popcorn. So you might not want to listen to me.

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