If a cow ever got the chance...

I've been kind of depressed lately. I don't know if it shows here or not, but I'm coming out about it now. Major changes in my life need to be made, I feel, and since I'm not sure what the problem is, I'm not sure what changes would fix it. Some of the changes I have contemplated (breaking up with C, moving in with C, moving back to Wisconsin to live with my parents) would almost certainly make things worse. Plus, I'm bad at making changes. Note the following:

• I have lived in the same apartment for three years (since moving to Chicago), despite the fact that there is so much crap in it that there are little paths you have to walk on if you want to get anywhere. There are certain areas of the apartment that I no longer visit or contemplate.
• I never once dropped a class after the beginning of the semester, even when it was clear after a few class meetings that it was going to blow chunks. Even though we had like a month in which to add or drop classes with no penalty.
• I have been going out with the same person, on and off, for over six years, even though it seems clear that he is not the proverbial Mr. Amazing. (On the other hand, he is my best friend, and you don't fuck over your best friend just because he plays video games too much, still sleeps in a bunkbed, and only reads bartending books. Instead of breaking up with him I yell at him every day and generally take his failure to be perfect out on him (and meanwhile he brings me BBQ roast sandwiches from the vegan soul food place by his house and actually listens to all my complaints).

So I don't know what to do. Last night I was talking with my best friend from college, and she said I should join the Peace Corps. This is appealing since I would get to live in a part of the world that is not the Midwest (which I have very seldom left), and would actually be making a bit of difference and doing something socially constructive. Her suggestion made me sad, though, because I know I won't even apply for the Peace Corps (much less get in). My friend D*NMN*R pointed out that I dislike travel and am not in the least a people person. This is true--my personality at work runs the gamut from sullen to withdrawn, with occasional forays into the uncharted territory of sarcasm... I have so much armor on that I can barely go to the grocery store, let alone Uzbekistan, and I don't know what to do about it other than take Prozac and write long bitchy entries...

Well, enough of that. My goal for this week is to stop complaining at you. I will write happy entries that talk about what I am thankful for. No, really.

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