If a cow ever got the chance...

Yeah, I'm still here. Still ready to shriek with rage at the slightest provocation, and I'm spending unprecedented amounts of time lying on the futon mattress staring at the ceiling. But it's OK. I am going to try to hold off on the meds, at least until I become so unpleasant that C or whoever forces me to go to the doctor. This is probably masochistic of me. I don't know.

Meanwhile, I am trying various natural healing remedies that I've read about in the various (and often contradictory) New Age books we publish. Right now I'm liking Ayurveda. I think there's something to it. One of the recommendations is that you do a massage with warmed almond or coconut oil before your shower, so I've been trying that. I do feel calmer, but my floor is really slippery. My skin is nice and soft though.

One of the problems with this mood is that I have very little to say. You may have noticed. My mom called yesterday, and she noted that it was taking me like three or four seconds to even respond to her conversational gambits. If you count three seconds of silence in your head, you realize it's kind of a long time, conversationally speaking. And I was only saying things like "Oh." and "That's weird." and "Well, I guess I don't have too much to say right now." Later it got worse, when my friend The Amazing Vasily called to say that he is moving to Oregon in two days. (He decided not to be a shepherd in Montana because the isolation would have been too much. Instead he's a counselor at this like wilderness and botany camp for junior high school students. He is a brave, brave person.) Anyway, I had to tell him that I would call him back tonight, even though I felt like an idiot for doing so. (It probably inconvenienced him, too, so now I feel annoying.) But I just could not form appropriate responses or even entire sentences. It was kind of weird and creepy.

They both commented on it, too.

• My mom: "Are you playing Snood again? [I wasn't.] I can tell you're only half-listening."
• The Amazing Vasily: "So how are things with you?" Me: "I don't know, they're okay." [long, long pause] TAV (in his cheerful and bizarrely flirtatious manner): "So, what's the wildest thing you've ever done on the telephone?" Me: "What?" TAV: "Just trying to start a conversation..."

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