If a cow ever got the chance...

Okay, so in the past seventy-two hours I have convinced myself that I had 1) 90 percent artery blockage [yes, like Bill Clinton]; 2) lead poisoning, thanks to a big drama in which I noticed that my marigold pots had left giant water rings on the windowsill, which I decided to color in with magic marker so they wouldn't look so bad; halfway through this operation I suddenly started coughing and then remembered that when I moved into this apartment I signed a lead disclosure agreement and basically promised to not chew on the windowsills or get pregnant; 3) worms.

I'm not even going to get into the worm thing.

P.S. I have been idiotically healthy since birth, basically.

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