If a cow ever got the chance...

I'm so sick of being fat. I'll try not to rant about it too much, but it is really starting to bother me (yeah, like it ever didn't).

For those of you keeping score, I'm not going to divulge the morbid details, but I am officially fat. I don't "just need to lose ten pounds." I could eat Bridget Jones for breakfast (if there were no soy sausages available). No, it's not like I have to swing my leg in little half-circles when I walk, and people are physically capable of taking the seat next to me on the train. Just that usually they don't.

The really annoying thing (other than the clothing issue) is that my diet is a shining example of healthy eating. I don't binge or starve myself. No meat, nothing fried, not that much sugar or caffeine, etc etc. Lentil soup, Swiss chard, orange juice. Grapenuts with soy milk. Whole-wheat bread. Kale. Prunes, for fuck's sake. (I just like them.)

What I will have to do is exercise. This is a fate worse than most. Did you ever see that Simpsons where Smithers and hired goons find Homer hiding in the toilet (literally) of the employee bathroom, and as they drag him away kicking and screaming, Smithers comments, "I've never seen a man that desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics."? That's how I feel.

I even joined Bally's two years ago, but my gym-rat phase lasted maybe a month. My "personal trainer" was a dick who spent most of my "personal training" lessons hitting on the chicks who were working the Thighmaster, and suggested that I utilize the pool for aerobic exercise. ("It'll be perfect for you because you're so buoyant." Yes, he actually said that.) Also, one gets tired of watching size-4 yuppies fight over the elliptical cross-trainer. Also, I'm really really lazy. (Okay, that's the main reason.) Now my wages are being garnished for like fifty dollars a month--until next year when my contract mercifully expires--and I got plantar warts from the locker-room floor.

Well, I've outed myself as a fat chick. Now you may sign the guestbook and tell me something embarrassing about yourself, if you desire. It's only fair.

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