If a cow ever got the chance...

I think you should log off the computer right now and go to Burger King. Burger King is the finest restaurant in the universe; it is a paragon of quality, both in regard to its workers and to the delicious food it serves. I heartily endorse Burger King.

Seriously, I really do.

BK introduced a veggie burger last week. You can click on the link to read their delightful press release or just take my word for it that they say it's a "permanent part" of the menu. I cannot even tell you how happy this makes me. For one thing, I can now go into a fast-food place on vacations like everyone else and get hot food, instead of having to settle for a bag of stale trail mix from the gas station... Much more importantly (and I don't like to get into this often because I realize it makes me sound like a crackpot... but it is something I believe in very strongly), it is going to help animals. Every veggie burger that someone orders instead of a "normal" beefburger reduces the demand for meat by, well, one burger. I do realize that the only people buying this at first are going to be vegetarians, but dammit, they'll be happy vegetarians who will rave loudly about it until the carnivores grow curious. Also, this is the first veggie burger ever offered by a major fast-food chain so if it sells well, the other chains will have to copy BK. Perhaps the revolution is beginning...

However, my attempts to actually eat a BK Veggie have been thwarted to some degree. The thing is, they grill it on the same grill as all the Whoppers and chickens and stuff. So, if you don't want sizzling lard on your pristine vegetable amalgam, you should ask for it to be microwaved. According to Erik Marcus, founder of Vegan.com and my new best friend, all BKs have been instructed to offer the microwave option as well as the "flame-broiled" thing. The problem is they don't seem to know it.

Me, lunch, Friday: Hi, could I have the BK Veggie, microwaved, hold the mayo?

Cashier: (silence, staring at me)

Me: (thinking) Boy, her eyes are really far apart.

Cashier: (silence, staring)

Me: (thinking) Oh, fuck.

Cashier: (finally) You want it microwaved?

Me: Yep.

Cashier: We don't do that. (sighs, pulls shift boss over)

Shift Boss: You want a BK Veggie microwaved?

Me: Yep.

Shift Boss: I can't do that. It won't cook right.

Me: It's just I heard you were supposed to be able to microwave it. Couldn't you put it in for like a minute or something?

Shift Boss: I can't do that, it has to go on the broiler.

Me: Can't you do it anyway?

Shift Boss: No.

Me: (the world's least assertive person) OK, thanks.

Cashier: Thanks for visiting Burger King, ma'am.

I was so disheartened and hungry after this experience that I e-mailed Erik Marcus (my new best friend), because he had posted a couple really good articles about the BK Veggie, which summarized eloquently why it is a Good Thing, and this article about his experience ordering it (he ran into the same problem but was eventually able to get one, I suspect because he is pushier than me). I said something like "I am just worried that it will be impossible for vegetarians to order this burger unless they are EXTREMELY assertive. This could really hurt the Veggieburger's sales and long-term future, which scares me." Well, he wrote back right away and could not have been nicer about it, saying that others had written in to say the same thing and that if I gave him the franchise's address he would call BK's Communications Director himself... I don't think this guy takes a single breath without calculating how it will help animals. He has probably done more to advance the vegan cause than anyone on the planet and you have to respect his dedication, even if you don't like his politics.

So... not to drag this out for pages... I made C go with me Friday night, for moral support, to a different Burger King on the South Side.

Me: Hi, could I have a BK Veggie, microwaved, hold the mayo?

Cashier: "You want it microwaved, not broiled?

Me: Yep.

Cashier: Sure, here's your receipt.

Cashier: (bawling intermittently at the kitchen workers for the next five minutes) She wants it microwaved, not broiled! Don't put it on the broiler! MICROWAVED! MICROWAVED!

Because of her tireless advocacy, I eventually got my BK Veggie. And it was actually good. (Granted, I would probably say that no matter what, given that I want you all to go buy one... but I'm not lying, it actually was good.) The lettuce was romaine and the tomato was the proper color, not all vampire-pink like they usually are in March. The burger itself was toothsome in that fast-food, greasy-in-a-good-way thing. It has brown rice, water chestnuts, and mushrooms--no soy. After I finished it I totally wanted another but we were home by that point, so I had to make do with some stale candy hearts I found in C's basement.

In conclusion, I would just like to say that you should go to Burger King to fulfill all your meat cravings, not Jared's evil empire or (shudder) McDonald's. Even if you don't get the veggie burger. Thank you and good night.

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