If a cow ever got the chance...

I can't believe how many people think my first name is a bargaining chip. I am so highly offended by this trend:

SAMPLE STUPID E-MAIL FROM MY JOB

Dear Buttercup,

Enclosed are the corrections I would like to make in future reprintings of "The Woman's Guide to Male Menopause: Real Solutions For Helping Him Maintain Vitality and Virility." [Editorial note: Yes, this is a real book that my company actually published, and they should hang their heads in shame. I'm not anti-male by any means, but come ON now--what's next, Helping Him Cope With All That Weight You Put On During the Pregnancy?]

Buttercup, please note that on page 67, it says "The following study has been supported by research." The new text should read, "Although this study has not been supported by research to date, further studies are in the works." I hope, Buttercup, that you see the necessity of making this change to preserve my credibility.

Buttercup, thanks for your time. [Wow, what a gentleman.] I really appreciate your effort in making this change. [Note the subtle implication that this will strain my limited mental faculties.] Please feel free to call me, Buttercup, if you have any questions at all.

I should say that this is a totally fictional (although representative)letter and I have nothing personal against this male menopause guy. But I get things like this all the time. These people have obviously read in some how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people pop-psych book that using a person's name repeatedly, especially in an impersonal form of communication like e-mail or the telephone, will establish a bond of intimacy between you and your recipient, will make them feel appreciated on a personal level and therefore more receptive to being your friend and doing whatever you say.

I say, get bent. There is enough fake-personal interaction in the world already... [Note: I'm not talking about salutations at the beginning of letters, like "Hi Buttercup." I mean, you either have to say that or "Ho there in the tower" or something...] This blatant pretense at being my chum is not going to make me like you any better. It's not going to get you laid, either.

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