If a cow ever got the chance...

I started smoking again right before Xmas (after a lapse of three years, which now seems amazing). i like to blame this on incredible stress at work, and the fact that I was getting galley proofs back from freelancers and authors that smelled like smoke--you could have gotten a contact high off the pages, and it was like, obviously THEY'VE found a way to get through the day that doesn't involve casual sex or peanut M'n'Ms...

I think smokers in general tend to be people who have trouble getting through the day. the thought of eight uninterrupted hours of checking page proofs, or welding axles onto truck beds, or sitting on the couch watching TV, or--I don't know--writing exhibit catalogues for the Art Institute--is beyond appalling. it seems we need something to look forward to in the short-term (like the next 15 minutes), some sort of reward to break up the day. Also, I think you can tell ex-smokers by how they are always the ones to ask for the dessert menu at a restaurant. they need something to complete the meal, other than nicotine. pretty much every action needs to have some sort of tiny finalizing ritual. or maybe it's a rationalization for addiction. probably some of both.

My cigarette friend at work finally gave me a lighter a week ago (before that I was taking matchbooks from restaurants, because why buy a lighter when you're Going To Quit?) and it just killed me how natural it all was again. holding cigarette between lips. cupped hands, triangular lighter flare. Inhale. Staring off into the middle distance, away from your cigarette friend, so they won't look at your face as the nicotine hits and see how much you needed this... I'm up to two packs a week, which doesn't seem like much, but two weeks ago it was one pack a week, and three weeks before that it was one pack every three weeks. I used to smoke a pack a day, so I am worried about this perfect mathematical curve that seems to be developing.

I'm also a big alcoholic, but that's for another entry.

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