If a cow ever got the chance...

1. Having mistaken smugness and sheer effrontery for intelligence

2. Somewhat less completely, mistaking condescension for a genuine desire to impart knowledge

3. Not adding more cornstarch to my blueberry pie filling, thereby making it sort of an unintentional blueberry cobbler

4. Showing my dinner companion the syllabus of my Tuesday night enrichment-type course (a survey of literary depictions of hell), thereby prompting him to say "Oh, so you ARE reading Paradise Lost! You really should be spending the whole course on Dante's Inferno, there's so much in it. Who's this [name of teacher]? Does he have a Ph.D.? Oh, he teaches high school? Is it a magnet school? Does he treat you like high schoolers, like make you spit your gum out or tell the boys not to talk to the girls? [ha, ha] It seems kind of introductory, like something in between high-school and college."

5. Not telling the aforementioned dinner companion to suck my dick, figuratively speaking.

6. Not telling him where he can shove his advanced German Poetry class on the Nibelung cycle (taught in German of course).

7. Being too smoked-up and generally polite to throw him out of the house when he asked me if pie-making was something everyone did all the time in my birthplace, Wisconsin, like a farm specialty, and was that all that America was supposed to be about, baseball and pies cooling on the window? (He really does talk like this, I promise you.) Not telling him that sometimes a pie is just a pie.

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